The Changing Landscape of Mate Selection in Western Society
In the fifth edition of Balswick’s book on marriage, the authors explore the evolution of mate selection in western society. They delve into various aspects such as traditional practices, the role of romantic love, different theories of mate selection, and the Christian perspective on marriage. This essay aims to summarize and discuss key points from selected chapters.
1. Evolution of Mate Selection
According to Balswick, several changes have occurred in western mate selection. These changes include:
Shift from arranged marriages to individual choice
Increased emphasis on personal compatibility and romantic love
Greater acceptance of interfaith and interracial marriages
Rise in the prevalence of cohabitation before marriage
2. Traditional Mate Selection
Traditional mate selection in many older cultures involved concepts such as “bride price” and “dowry.” These practices were prevalent in societies where marriages were seen as transactions between families. The bride price involved the groom’s family paying a sum of money or goods to the bride’s family, while the dowry involved the transfer of wealth from the bride’s family to the groom’s family.
3. Beginnings of Romantic Love
The authors highlight that romantic love was not always a primary factor in western mate selection. It emerged during the medieval period with the concept of courtly love, which idealized romantic relationships characterized by chivalry and devotion. This idea gradually influenced societal views on love and marriage.
4. Greek Words and Love Relationships
The authors draw a connection between three Greek words: eros, philia, and agape, and four types of love relationships. Eros refers to passionate love, philia to friendship or companionship, and agape to selfless, unconditional love. The four types of love relationships are:
Eros + Philia: Romantic relationships based on passion and friendship
Agape: Selfless love found in familial relationships
Philia + Agape: Deep friendships characterized by selfless love
Eros + Agape: Idealized love that combines passion and selflessness
5. “Like Marries Like” Theory
The “like marries like” theory suggests that individuals tend to marry partners who share similar characteristics, values, and social backgrounds. This theory is key to most marriage relationships as it promotes compatibility and reduces potential conflicts arising from differences.
6. Bowen’s Family Systems Theory
Bowen’s Family Systems Theory explores how individuals’ family backgrounds influence their mate selection and marital dynamics. It emphasizes understanding one’s family of origin, identifying patterns, and working towards differentiation to maintain healthy relationships.
7. Other Theories of Mate Selection
Apart from Bowen’s Family Systems Theory, various other theories explain mate selection patterns. These include social exchange theory, which focuses on the economic aspects of relationships, and attachment theory, which explores how early attachment experiences shape later relationship choices.
8. Cohabitation: Path Toward or Alternative to Marriage
Cohabitation refers to unmarried couples living together in a committed relationship. The authors discuss different perspectives on cohabitation, presenting it as both a path toward marriage and an alternative to marriage. They highlight benefits such as testing compatibility but also acknowledge potential challenges like increased risk of divorce.
9. Marriage and God’s Involvement
The authors explore what constitutes marriage and how Christians tend to view God’s involvement in marriage. They emphasize that marriage is a covenant between two individuals with God as an integral part of the union. Christians believe that God blesses and guides marriages when couples seek His will.
10. Christian Community’s Response to Cohabiting Couples
The Christian community should respond to cohabiting couples with grace, understanding, and guidance. The authors suggest offering support and mentorship to help couples understand the biblical perspective on marriage, encourage them towards commitment, and provide resources for premarital counseling.
11. Understanding God’s Will
Balswick discusses how many people mistakenly define “God’s Will.” They often perceive it as a specific plan or outcome that they must discover or follow precisely. However, the authors argue that God’s Will is more about aligning one’s life with His principles and seeking His guidance in decision-making rather than seeking a predetermined plan.
12. Factors Predicting Marriage Quality
Several factors tend to predict marriage quality, including:
Compatibility in values, interests, and goals
Effective communication and conflict resolution skills
Emotional intimacy and connection
Commitment to the relationship
Shared responsibilities and equitable distribution of tasks
13. Resolving Family Origin Issues Before Marriage
Resolving family origin issues before marriage involves understanding one’s own family dynamics, identifying potential areas of conflict or unhealthy patterns, and seeking therapy or counseling if necessary. It is essential to address unresolved issues to prevent them from negatively impacting the marital relationship.
14. Differentiated Unity in Modern Marriage
Differentiated unity refers to maintaining one’s individuality while being part of a unified marital partnership. It involves balancing autonomy with interdependence, fostering open communication, respecting boundaries, and embracing personal growth within the context of the relationship.
15. New Roles in the Marital Dance
The authors discuss new roles in the marital dance based on the concept of perichoresis: mutual indwelling or interpenetration. This dance involves establishing a rhythm of partnership where both spouses contribute their unique strengths, work together as a team, and adapt to changing circumstances.
16. The Authors’ Model for Biblical Marriage
The authors present a model for biblical marriage that encompasses various aspects such as covenantal commitment, mutual respect, servant leadership, sacrificial love, effective communication, shared decision-making, sexual intimacy, and spiritual growth within the marital relationship. This model aligns with Christian principles and aims to foster healthy and fulfilling marriages.
In conclusion, Balswick’s book provides valuable insights into the evolution of mate selection in western society, traditional practices, theories of mate selection, Christian perspectives on marriage, and strategies for building strong marital relationships. By understanding these concepts, individuals can navigate the complexities of mate selection and cultivate healthy partnerships based on love, commitment, and shared values.
